Mediocre Orgasm

by Amaya Perea

What they say:  Meditation is the best exercise.
What they mean:  You’re going to be disappointed when I take off my shirt.

What they say:  Cars are bad for the environment.
What they mean:  I’m poor, but disguise it as environmentally conscious.

What they say:  I have “issues.” 
What they mean:  I don’t and wish I was more mysterious.

What they say:  I don’t let anyone borrow my (enormous) headphones.
What they mean:  I have “issues”.

What they say:  Do you believe in God?
What they mean:  I’m trying to gauge how big of a moron you are.

What they say:  You stories should be on, ‘This American Life’.
What they mean:  I think I love you.

What they say:  Check out this song.
What they mean:  I know lots of bands you’ve never heard of.

What they say:  Is this vegan?
What they mean:  You’re not trying to poison me, right?

What they say:  I don’t watch TV. 
What they mean:  I’m think I’m better than you.

What they say:  You seem like someone who would like Nickleback.
What they mean:  You’ve done something to piss me off.  I have no respect for you.

What they say:  I’ve never not had facial hair.
What they mean:  I don’t eat pussy.

What they say:  You voted Republican?
What they mean:  This is over.