Mediocre Orgasm

by Amaya Perea

(Note:  The two are not mutually exclusive and often go hand in hand.) 

Neither snoring nor alcoholism are desirable qualities in a significant other.  But if you have to pick one, here are ten reasons why you’re better off with the alchie.

1.  Neither one of them will understand or remember what they did to piss you off, but alcoholics are generally more apologetic.

2.  While an alcoholic may actually throw up in their sleep, a snorer constantly sounds like they’re about to, keeping everyone on edge all night.

3.  Snorers won’t get you a 1.75 L of Grey Goose for your birthday.

4.  You can keep alcoholism under wraps from family and friends for at least the first vacation.  Everyone finds out about a snorer the first night at the lake house.

5.  Alcoholics respond better to physical violence; (and it’s acceptable to resort to it.)

6.  There are lots of laws punishing alcoholics.  When do the savages making your bedroom sound like a construction site get what’s coming to them??? 

7.  If an alcoholic keeps you up all night, there’s a better chance of it being a good time.  If a snorer keeps you up, it’s likely you are angry and the only one conscious.

8.  Alcoholics are unpredictable and exciting…you never know when you’re going to have to run from the cops!  Snorers are boring and infuriating.

9.  If you threaten to end things, an alcoholic will not drink for a (very short) while.  Snorers will claim it’s not their fault; they never take responsibility for their actions!

10.  Lastly, if someone can get black out drunk and NOT snore, they’re most likely a superhero.  WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO DATE A SUPER HERO?

So remember, if you’re dating a snorer and they refuse to get help or even acknowledge they have a problem…beware.  I’ve seen many a relationship end in anger and heartbreak because of this dangerously common disease.  If you’ve tried talking to them and they deny it or blame their allergies or get defensive, it may be time to call things off.  These are classic defense tactics common to those who aren’t ready to deal with their destructive behavior.